New York State of Mind XXIV

I looked in on her just before I brought my things to the car, I wish I could put her in my pocket and take her everywhere with me.  It's so conflicting when I want to try and find or discover a part of myself because I am not entirely happy but then my heart breaks every time I watch my son drive away or I leave my daughter in the middle of the night.  It's funny how darkness can just fuck with you to the point that lost is the only feeling left.

I started to wonder if all I really needed was every moment leading up to leaving without the actual act of going away.  Maybe just knowing there was something to look forward to, something that didn't resemble my daily life...something crazy and adventurous.  The destination never seemed to compare to the journey and I'm learning that it is the climb I crave, but how can one sustain that?  I'm chasing a high and an idea, maybe it's a dream I had or a feeling I once felt...whatever it is I am helplessly losing my mind trying to capture it like an addict trying to replicate that first high.

I was sitting at the gate hours before boarding slipping in and out of my mind wondering if I'll ever be satiated...I don't think so.  Laura once told me that you could not teach someone interest, some people are and some people are not.  It is clear where I fall and once again and I can identify this perfect storm that is forming in me and I have to let go and ride it out.  There are only two outcomes; either I come out of this storm and become the woman I ache to be or I go back to Laura and forget that she was ever a thought...