The Darkness X

It was almost 3 am when I finally pulled into the garage at home and I have no idea how I even made it.  I can't even recall the drive from the airport; my autopilot is on and in survival mode.  I sat in my car for a while, numb and vacant knowing that Chicago was just the beginning.  At times I feel so angry that I have a need to change and that I just can't be happy in my perfect life...it seems unfair to be so restless.  Sometimes I can't leave well enough alone.  I have to know that this feeling in me means something and that my future is worth saving...that all my dreams and plans actually meant something to me and were not manufactured but honestly desired.  I'm so sick of being sad and even the other parts of me are tired of my constant complaining and whining...depression doesn't live here...not anymore.

I washed my face, brushed my teeth and crawled into bed beside Dan.  I placed my hand on the middle of his back and silently cried, I hope he knows how sorry I am.  I hope my children will continue to love me and see in me what offered them conform before...I hope I chose the right path.  I want to look back one day when I am through this and be a whole person that is able to be happy and free and no longer live in the confines of that cage.  My fear is that even if that happens I may lose so much along the way, I can still hear his words "I am always going to love you and I will always be your friend but I may not always be your husband".  Where is the balance for what I will gain and what I can potentially lose?  I could always go see Laura and take the pills...it hurts my heart that I can even consider becoming another stage of Natalie that just didn't fucking care enough about herself.  Monday morning therapy is going to be a dark bitch...