The Darkness VII

I don't know if I choked back tears or vomit as we all stood in front of the diner and parted ways.  Trevor jumped into a cab to the airport while CJ and I headed back to the hotel to gather our things.  We still had about four hours until we left for the airport and time seemed to stand still which only added to my anxiety.  I started to feel confined and scared....what the hell is going on?

CJ and I walked around downtown and shopped for a few hours but it seemed to feel like days and every time I looked at my watch the hands never seemed to move.  I wondered if my brothers could see the sadness and fear in me, the change, the hesitation.  Did they even realize that everyday I hold on by a little string that connects me to everything I love and that I fear that I would have to let go one day to reach what I am missing?  It's all so close and I can see it like it is just on the other side of the gorge...my bridge is my darkness and it keeps me in place and alone.  I can stand on the edge and even walk along it but have never dared to cross it.  Lately I feel like I pace the edge and have even looked over the side...there is no safety net and I don't think I am strong enough to fly yet.  I can feel the intensity rise in me and beads of sweat fall down my back, I'm scared because it knows I'm looking to jump and I can feel it circling.  I started to feel light headed and I was grateful CJ pulled me out of my nightmare because it was time to head to the airport...thank God.

I tried my best to keep my head above water and in the moment but I could feel myself float away and I'm losing control.  CJ could now see my struggle and I could see the worry in his face.  We checked in and passed through security, I could feel nothing but heat and sickness.  "Natalie what's going on?"  He was concerned and to be honest, so was I.  I shook my head and snapped out of it, "I need to find a bathroom".  I think I have to throw up but I can't really think at all, I just know I don't want to be in Chicago's airport throwing up all over the floor with an audience.  I left CJ on the bench outside and walked into the bathroom.  I made my way to the farthest stall and the closer I got, the darker it got...it's coming and I can't do anything.  I closed the door and latched it, I imagine this is what a panic attack looks like...and just like that my eyes rolled into the back of my head and I felt the coolness of the floor on my back...