New York State of Mind XXVIII

I had coffee with my brother's then rushed over to the restaurant to meet Mike for breakfast.  I grabbed a corner table, ordered another coffee and went through my messages and emails.  Mike, the cop, texted and it makes me smile every time.  He has this way about him that makes you feel important and special without smothering or becoming intense...he reminds me of Dan in so many ways.  They are what balanced men look like and even though Mike sees the same darkness as John his coping skills are far superior.  I wished this for Mike, the one from NY; for him to have some sense of relief and rest.  I'm hoping that today I can pull him out of his mood and just have fun; I'm chasing Atlantic City and even I can feel the desperation of trying to replicate that night.  My anxiety is exceptionally strong today and I wonder if his is too or if it is because I fear the Mike I met in AC is not the same one in Chicago...darkness is such a nightmare from both sides.

I spotted Mike as soon as he walked in and waved him over.  He looked awful like he had been drinking all night and fell out of bed to get here.  I have no idea how to even approach him because I have very little experience with him.  I mean I know his darkness and things about him but having only spent a handful of hours with him I have no idea how to handle his moods and it creates a fear in me that I will say or do something wrong.  It's almost like I already have a fear of losing him and I imagine it is because of losing John and having the desire to keep a fellow dark dweller in my life.  He sat down across from me and ordered a coffee...this is not Mike from AC, I don't know who this is and I'm not sure I want to find out.  He threw me a forced smile and I returned the favour.  I guess now is as good as any time to start the therapy session, after all isn't that the real reason I am searching these men out?

"You look awful.  Didn't you sleep?"  Everyone gets the benefit of my honesty, but maybe I can work a little on perfecting the art of having tact.  "A little but tossed most of the night".  He grabbed the menu and sipped on his coffee.  I wasn't impressed in the least about being brushed off.  In my support group you have to share...is it unethical to have a support group and not tell the participants they are part of it?  "What would you like to do today?"  He finally put the menu down and looked at me, "whatever you want, I'm easy".   I figure I have about two days before he is completely sitting in his darkness with a bottle of vodka...I gotta work fast.  "Let's eat then head out for some touring".  He shrugged his shoulders and nodded...I could throw up with anxiety right now...