The Darkness XVII

It was still dark outside when I jumped in my car and made my way to the football game; 5am feels like the middle of the night.  I can't really explain if things are getting better or if I was learning to put a new frame around my dreary picture.  I can feel some excitement return when I think about watching my son take the field...I owe that kid so much.  It was slowly getting easier to stay focused and engaged with my family and friends with only periods of time where my mind would wonder to NY.  My goal would be to have an escape to NY every few weeks and then when I am home I am completely home and not dreaming about what I am missing.  I need a life, something that is mine and not attached to anyone else.  Is it wrong to have a separate life for a few days a month?  If it is, then I'll happily be wrong because anything beats hopeless and vacant.

I started talking to a few people on line from NY and hoped I could find a friend or two to hang out with when I am back in town.  I'm looking forward to seeing Mike and he seems to be in a much better place but I know that is only because he's occupied with work; once he has a few days to spare the demons will come out to play.  My hope is that I can pull him away from his cage for a few days but more than that...I hope his darkness leaves mine alone.  Mike and I are like addicts and I don't know if we can ever really be anything but text friends.  He has become so comfortable with abuse that he longs for it and struggles to accept love and kindness...I imagine it's difficult to one day believe you are worthy of positive emotions when your whole existence has been built around other's making you feel worthless.  My heart hurts for him but how do I break down the fortress he has spent a lifetime securing?  One day Mike will see his greatness and I hope I'm around to witness it and see the look in his eyes when he realizes his own beauty.

I pulled over to fill up the car and grab a coffee, I still had about two hours to go.  I missed a call on my phone, it was Mike, the cop.  Hmm, Mike has never called me, only text message.  My heart stopped briefly as my mind wondered to the darkest place it could find...John...