The Darkness V

I joined Mike at a table in the lobby bar and had to be pretty firm in telling my anxiety to fuck off.  He looked sad and tired and I imagine he is regretting this even more than I am.  I forced a fake smile and sat on my hands so he couldn't see them shake.  I ordered a coffee and could feel his anxiety coming out of his pores...his darkness is completely surrounding him and I can see him slowly retreat.  He reached over and touched my arm, I couldn't even look at him.  "I am so sorry for my behaviour last night".   I believed him because I know first hand the relationship he has with himself and how can I ever expect him to treat me with respect and friendship when he can't even give those two things to himself.  He is broken and what is worse is that I don't know if he even want's to feel whole again.  I think sometimes your fear becomes your comfort and the abuser becomes successful in making you give up and accept that you just don't deserve anything else.  Without having anyone to help and turn to, you stay lost in your darkness and it becomes who you are.  I want to hug and hold him and pull him out but I fear that he will only pull me in... I have to go because the result would be throwing away the key to my own cage.  And like a true addict, knowing the secret to stay clean the other side of me wants to escape...so I escape and I refuse to cut him loose...