New York State of Mind XXVI

We finally got to our hotel and unloaded our things then wondered around the area for a bit.  I could feel my anxiety and excitement creep up every now and then knowing Mike would be here soon.  We grabbed a drink and sat on the patio, it was the best place to people watch.  I was doing my best imitation of someone that was completely engaged in a conversation and hated that I had become someone so obsessed with my own journey that is was difficult to enjoy others.  Ugh, I grabbed another round of drinks, checked my phone and made my way back to the table.  Mike had landed and would be at his hotel in about an hour, the guilt instantly replaced the excitement but a drink would easily fix that.

I walked the guys back to our hotel and left them in the room while I found a pub at the end of the block and waited for Mike.  I sat on the patio and ordered my third drink, thank goodness CJ and I ate at the airport or I'd be a puddle by the time he got here.  Only a few short weeks ago we met in Atlantic City and now we are in Chicago and I hope we can choose a date for me to be back in New York next month.  My relationship with Mike was beginning to feel more like the support group I had started months ago.  He talks a lot about his childhood and how it has carried through the same struggles into his adult life.  I feel sad that he believes that he is completely alone in life and has the experiences that those he gave everything to simply didn't want it and rejected him entirely.  I can easily watch his roller coaster of emotion evolve daily and I know he can't see his patterns of sadness and excitement...for me it's like watching an addict go from hopeful and fall to hopeless.  No matter how sad and lost I felt I have always had the benefit of those few around me that have loved, lifted and cared for me; Mike has never felt unconditional love...not even from his parents.  He may very well go through his entire life and never feel loved, wanted or significant and I wonder if it will be because he doesn't know how to accept it or if it is because he doesn't know how to surround himself with people who can truly love him.   As a parent I find it hard to believe that his parents don't love him but does it matter as long as he never feels it?  Mike still aches for the approval of his family but mainly from his father and to be honest I don't know if it is real or not but it must feel very real to him.  We are becoming great friends and he is starting to rely on me for emotional support...I hope I don't let him down.  I find it easier to maneuver through his darkness rather than my own but I have always felt stronger in the darkness of others while mine lays dormant.  

I could see him cross the street and he looked as amazing as I remembered.  I don't know which Mike I am getting today because he is exhausted and has been flying all day...I will either be the support leader or tour guide.  I'm just grateful I get to see him again and that I can easily escape my own darkness into his...