The Darkness XII

I wondered around my life for two days in a haze of nothingness, emotionally unattached and wishing I had more fight in me.  Mike texted the night before he left for Austin to talk about his father...it only made the weight heavier and now I know his darkness triggers mine and causes a crippling anxiety in me that I never knew was possible.  I had an awful feeling every time I thought about or spoke to Mike, but I can't let him go knowing I am the only person he has in his corner; he would completely give in to his demons...if he hasn't already.  I need to focus on me and fighting my own and at least getting back to a space where I am alive and functional...something has to give.

I called Karen during her lunch hour, I was starting to feel physically ill and it was scaring me.  She knows every inch of my darkness and right now she is the only person I need.  I can barely speak a word through the uncontrollable sobbing, begging her to come over and look after my daughter.  I want to crawl into a small space and let go of everything and everyone, I don't have much time and I can feel myself fading back into the black.  

Karen made it to my house in record time, knowing that I was struggling to just hang on.  She helped me pack a bag for my daughter and I could feel her looking at me and I know she would take it all away from me if she could.  I stood at the door and watched them leave before I made my way up the stairs to my room.  I walked into the farthest corner of my closet and slowly melted into the floor like I had in Chicago...my body and mind can't take the strain any longer and it's time for a hard reset...perhaps it will give me strength but I worry it will give me the switch...I miss John...