The Darkness XI

I woke with a migraine, probably from being dehydrated from crying.  I got out of bed, took some Advil and went to make coffee.  I was feeling a little better since I was home with Dan, he adds a comfort to me that comes in the form of unconditional love.  I don't know where he gathers his strength from but I am so grateful for it.  It's as if he was created just for me and I know in my head and heart I have added to his life and not just been an emotional dead weight.  We have travelled across Europe together, many of the states, some of Africa and toured Japan; I remember when we never had a struggle and life was beautiful.  I thought we would go our whole lives having it all figured out and being genuinely happy, and I'm sure he could have if not for my demons.  I put bread in the toaster and grabbed a coffee.

Dan came around the corner, he was ready for work and handsome as ever.  He saw the stress all over my face and just hugged me and I swear I could feel his heart break every time he has to hold my pieces together.  He grabbed his toast and coffee and joined me at the table.  He placed his hand on mine and gently squeezed it, "I'm glad you're home".  I was back in my vacant state, staring out the window, lost and scared wanting to run away from myself.  Is it crazy when you see yourself as two separate people?  One is who I used to be and all of the trauma she carries and the other is who I am today trying to escape her...or free her, I have no idea.  Some days I feel strong enough for both Natalie's and other days I worry we are the same and I can never change the pattern.  I looked over and smiled at my husband through my tears and wondered how many more months I would steal from his life before I finally let him go.  We talked a little about Chicago and the game, we laughed a little because it's too difficult not too when I talk about my brothers.  Sometimes Dan can be my favourite distraction, he makes me laugh out loud, sings to me, surprises me and cares for me like no one else can.  I just have to get over that bridge...at least one of us will be free, but I'm hoping for both.

He grabbed his computer and hugged me before he left for work.  I still hadn't heard from Mike and I'm not sure I ever will again...perhaps he'll leave like John.  I made my way up the stairs and crawled into bed beside my daughter...she looks identical to me when I was her age and sometimes I look at her and see me without the cage...