New York State of Mind XXVII

Mike grabbed a gin and met me at the table, he was clearly exhausted and seemed to be somewhat irritated.  We ordered some food and talked as we watched Chicago carry on into the night.  Mike has two speeds, work and sadness and there is no in-between.  When he is working he is happy, relaxed and in control but if he has more than three days off of work you can see the darkness descend on him and the happy confident Mike is pushed back into his cage and buried in a dark corner.  I'm hoping that being in Chicago and around me will help keep his fears at bay but I haven't figured out yet if one darkness triggers the other and that scares me.

We walked around the downtown and popped in and out of places with live bands and I could almost see the Mike I met in Atlantic City.  He seemed on edge and I could feel my own anxieties rise to meet his.  This must be how addicts feel when one is craving, it pulls the other one in and together they suffer or give in and on occasion one's own will is stronger than their urge and is able to keep both afloat...I hope I am strong enough for both of us.  I started to feel anxious that I was easily absorbing his energy and I could feel the panic rise in me at the thought that his darkness would bring about my own.  Maybe Mike isn't the better version of John, but I guess that depends on if I want to ignore or face my own demons.  It's funny thinking back that I used to become so upset that John wouldn't share with me and now I'm on the other end of the spectrum and wish the sharing wasn't so intense.

I walked Mike back to his hotel and we had a drink at the bar.  It wasn't the same as Atlantic City and I wasn't sure why but I was hoping a good sleep would change that; we shared a cigarette and I left him in the lobby.  I wasn't ready to go back to my room so I wondered around and thought about John...I wish I could give his switch to Mike so he never has to be in the dark again.