The Darkness I

Mike took me to an amazing steak house for dinner and I was well on my way to being intoxicated before we even got to our table.  My mind has not turned off or slowed down since the realization that I am killing my husbands wife.  I feel like I'm in a real life game of 'who would you save', the woman he loves or the woman I ache to be?  This has become a no win situation and I can't even begin to comprehend what this will mean for my marriage, children, friends and myself.  Do I remain the person everyone knows, who truly doesn't exist...or do I emerge as who I am and hope for the best knowing that the consequences could be a complete loss.  I feel indebted to Dan for the life he has allowed me to live, the freedom he encourages me to have and the dreams he insists I follow...but now what?  I feel like I'm stuck in a huge conundrum that just so happens to be my life.

We finally were moved from the bar to our table and he was laughing at me for already being tipsy, I didn't tell him that I was drinking away my anxiety and had no intention of doing so.  He ordered way too much food and I ordered another beer.  Mike is great company he's funny, intelligent and interesting and I desperately hope that I can lose myself in him this evening or it's going to be one hell of a night.  He opened up about the anxiety he was having about going to court when he arrived back home to deal with his on going divorce.  I felt bad for him but I always try and remember that I am biased and only know one side to this story.  I find it is better to be a sounding board rather than someone that feeds the angry dragon in him.  I hope it works out for him.   Our food came about forty five minutes later and I was so hungry I couldn't even speak and silence only meant retreating back into my own thoughts...it was becoming my least favourite spot these days.

We took a cab back to the area our hotels were in and I walked him to his lobby and said good night.  I walked out into the cold air and felt sick about my discovery.  Do I give my entire life to Dan and my children so they are comfortable...dear god please say I don't have to because I don't think I am strong enough to do it.  I picture myself sitting in my house watching the days turn to night and feeling the agony of being confined to a prison.  I know who I am and as I reflect back over my life and see the Natalie I shoved aside for others I have to wonder if this Natalie will join them or finally free them...is there a better time to be brave...or selfish?