The Ashes II

Eleven o'clock rolled around and I wasn't surprised to still be sitting alone; if he was waiting for dramatic affect I was not amused.  The last two hours I felt that my life was in slow motion while everything else around was moving fast and I don't know how to feel anymore.  I thought for sure he was going to make it, especially after he asked me to give him another shot...what a silly little girl.  Accept now I no longer see myself as that little girl, his actions are a reflection of him and not me; for whatever reason he has for not ever wanting to see me is his and he won't share.  I feel calm and almost relieved...almost.

A few years ago Dan and I were in New Orleans and we went to a plantation called Oak Alley.  It was stunning when you stood at the end of the alley and looked down between the oak trees at the manor, and you could almost feel the beauty.   I could have spent the rest of my life standing there and taking it all in and having my own vision of what the house held; the past, the secrets, the love, the loss and the history...but I walked down that alley and into the house.  I remember leaving and thinking I wish I never walked into the house because my vision was far more beautiful than the reality.  And now as I'm sitting in the bar I realize I don't want the door to open, I don't want to see the inner workings of John...I want to stand back and just take in the beauty and keep my vision alive.  Slowly the anger slides away along with all the bad memories and anxiety; replaced with only the good memories and smiling at how he could set me on fire...I'm grateful he won't give me another chance to walk down the alley and make the same mistake.  I paid my bill and jumped in my car...I'm ready to move on.