The Ashes VI

After the try out I took my son and mother for dinner and it finally felt like a family dinner...not every member has to be there.  I have a sense of belonging and I imagine it's because my confidence allows me to have that...Dan was right when he kissed me every morning and said I'd be okay.  I've opened up to a few of my friends, the ones I trust and know love me, and I wasn't even surprised when my friend Sara didn't even blink...I love her.  CJ always new and helped me in my journey and at times I felt was my only friend.  Now I try to not even look back, the carnage is fine and I never sacrificed anything I wasn't willing to.  I'm not sure there were many choices I made that I would change and that allows me the freedom to move forward and leave any guilt behind...I have nothing to feel guilty about.  Life can be difficult when you constantly try to reach the standards of other people, then one day I realized they weren't even my standards...so I walked away.  I have enough trouble meeting my own standards so I can't put any time into reaching other's.  Everything just kind of fell into place like puzzle pieces I found along the way.

We finished eating and I paid the bill, I hate the walk to the parking lot only to hug, say I love you's and drive away...again.  That has always been the way it is for my son and me and although I wish it would have been different, I know I did it right and it's confirmed every single day...too bad it doesn't make my heart hurt any less.  I'm finally able to stand behind my life and what I've done, the decisions I've made and what it will look like moving forward.  I waved as he drove away, I always left last...he was the only person I could do that with and not feel left behind...huh, I never realized that until now.  I looked over and my mom was watching me with tears sliding down her face, I know there is a part of her that thinks she created this in me...and she is right, she doesn't know that now I am grateful for it.  My mom has always been able to read me, probably because she's written a version of this book in her own life.  I love that woman and if I can be half as great as her then it's a win.  My mom may never be able to shed her own darkness but at least she can no longer see mine,  I never let it out to play anymore.