The Darkness XXIII

I still mentally check off the days until I leave for NY, I find my days are easiest when I have something to look forward to.  It too has become something of a cycle; I book my flights, make an appointment with Brenda for my hair, count down the days then silently apologize to my daughter the night before I leave for wanting to go.  I hate that I feel bad for wanting to have something just for me, some time to try and recapture what I brushed off and ignored...maybe I'm selfish, but I am okay with that now.  I would rather be a little selfish then resentful and angry, it's still my life and I don't have to live it according to others beliefs, desires or views.  The funny thing about my anxiety is that it is all in my head, no one that loves and cares for me actually dissects my life and choices.  I have always loved my children more than myself and done everything I could to be a good mother even when it hurt.  I have been taking my medication religiously and am inclined to believe that those that love me may not agree with my choices but respect my journey and those that don't will be gone soon enough.  Dan once asked me, "why do you care so much about following the traditions and beliefs that other people have?"  If I am honest with myself it is because those same traditions and beliefs gave me the illusion that I was 'normal', like the perfect recipe to blend in and look like everyone else...if I don't appear different then no one will know.  My biggest comfort is knowing that Dan and I row the same boat in our beliefs, because of him I am able to look over the edge and attempt the bridge.  He has always been comfortable walking alone in life and I am envious of this strength, it's like a super power I long to possess. 

My days are becoming more effortless as time goes by and I know it is because the medication allows me to have clarity and think in a rational pattern.  I still have some anger around having to take anything at all for a disorder that was callously forced on me but there is no point visiting that dark corner anymore, it does nothing for me right now except keep me in the cage.  I'm learning a lot about being an adult, an independent person and friend to myself.  I have almost completely alienated myself from most friends, I still have the fear that I will be judged but I am working on it.  I feel that if I can have confidence in my choices then I can walk freely within them, maybe that piece of the puzzle will slide into place one day but until then I stay away to protect myself. 

I grabbed a coffee and the computer, made my way to the kitchen table and slid into my addiction...