The Dawn XVII

Dan left for work earlier than usual because he had to travel today.  I laid in bed content and looking forward to playing all day with my daughter, it was something I could do now and feel engaged with her.  I looked over and seen a little shadow in my doorway and that big mess of curls aways make me smile and warms my heart.  She is the perfect mix of Dan and I, I hope she has my passion and intensity mixed with Dan's intelligence and inner calmness.  She slowly made her way over and threw her blanket on the bed before she reached up to be lifted in bedside me.  I tried my best after she was born to sleep with her at night but she always preferred her own bed and I wondered if I would ever get to fall asleep beside her.  Lately she has been coming into bed in the middle of the night and early mornings and I love to feel her snuggle into me.  I know there are people who wouldn't agree with me and believe children should sleep in their own beds but I think I'm going to throw out that idea as well...I don't like it, I support it and it doesn't fit with my parenting style at all.  Maybe it will teach the child independence to sleep in their own bed, but what if being able to crawl into mine gives her a stronger sense of security? What if my child just wants to fall asleep to the rhythm of my heart or the touch their hand on my face?  What if it allows her to have no sense of stress or fear for one more day?  I picked her up and pulled her into my arms, I kissed the top of her head and felt her body relax...it's just the right way for us.

The last few days since returning from NY have been great.  I feel comfortable in my own skin and am slowly building confidence in myself and my choices; I can stand beside the few beliefs I have right now and continue to build on.  I don't have to defend myself or choices to anyone and I finally feel relieved knowing that no one has ever cared as much as I did and likely was not judged anymore or less than I judged others.  I feel like a woman, no longer a little insecure girl.  The exercise of building confidence is so tricky and my balance needs help because it's easy when there is a hiccup to slide backwards and strength sometimes is borrowed from Dan.  My struggle remains not in failure but in the opinions of others...that is the next to go.  First though I need to put my mind at rest and maybe even test my strength, I was scared to text Mike, the cop, because I had not followed up to the situation with John being hurt.  I grabbed my phone and logged into my email, "hey stranger, hope you're alive and well".