The Ashes

This is the last time I will walk the plank, and quite possibly the last time I attempt to see John.  The drive was awful this time and my stomach was sick.  Terrified he wasn't going to show up and terrified he was.  I wanted to call and cancel but I couldn't, I wanted him to cancel but he can't.  I went through scenarios in my head and there is no good end.  If he shows up I'll be scared for the night to end and if he doesn't then I am forced to become emotionally detached from him and I don't know if I want to or if I can.  I wonder if I am that woman who needs to save everyone, feeling the sadness in their lives and feeling it connected to mine as if saving them means saving myself.  I have no idea how I was making it from town to town because everything was a blur and I couldn't escape my thoughts as I slowly drove myself into madness not sure what to hope for.

I wondered how I became so attached to a ghost of a person.  What was I going through that I needed John and what he represented, perhaps just a bad boy to release me from the routine...maybe just someone who knew about my sadness and ache and never had to discuss it...he just knew and understood.  I look back over the last several months and I easily go from anger, hurt and fear to sadness...for him.  I know longer hold this crazed feeling of desperation to see him and I silently pray that one day he will emerge from his darkness and fall in love or feel whole.  He is pretty incredible and I know he cares deeply for me...if he didn't he would have selfishly destroyed me for this own pleasure, but he didn't.  He liked to press my buttons to see all of the emotions he thinks he may have possessed but can't remember when or how.

I walked into the bar for the first time since our first date and sat at our table...time is ticking as I watch the door...