Moving Forward II

I grabbed my computer and coffee and sat at the table, across from me sits a messy haired little girl organizing her play doh.  I look over my screen and shoot her a serious look, "are you ready to start your work miss?"  She gives me a single nod, starts humming and opens her boxes of cookie cutters, rolling pins and play doh.  My mornings now consist of me throwing up my anxieties and insecurities all over the web while my daughter pretends to work on projects for her imaginary boss.  It has become cathartic for me and I joked to Laura that it is the best therapy I have ever had.  Making the change to live the way you want and desire can be difficult at first because you question your choices and thoughts and wonder if they are yours or given to you.  This has become a routine for me and I look forward to it every morning, but I never start without her.  I made the decision immediately that this would not be about sexual encounters with strangers or having boy friends or exploring my own desires; it would be about finding my own way and shutting the doors to paths that were forced upon or given to me.  Only now that I have come out the other side am I even able to reflect and share, never kept a journal but never forgot a feeling or moment that made me question and change.  I could have spent the rest of my life blaming others for the first 35 years of my life but it would only help me justify my previous bad behaviours and sadness.  I could have made it a reliable excuse to never change but then...I would never change.  My life is up to me and now I can make it go in any direction I desire...outside forces cannot control me because I am responsible for and in control of me...that was one of the best lessons I ever learned.  That is a lesson I will hand down to her...