Blindsided V

Picking up and letting go, letting go and picking up is a cycle I have come to perfect over the years.  Learning to let go, teaching myself what to let go of and coming to terms with everything freely moving in and out of my life took time, my god it took so much time. Letting go feels like forgiveness, initially the thought is crippling, you fight it and try to find any reason not to because it means letting go of something within yourself, something that was a part of you, or at least felt as though it was. I used be afraid of letting go of anything from the people I loved to my favourite shirt...holding on to it as if nothing could possibly ever be better than this right now and knowing it's not entirely true if I just stop to think about it for a minute. It all comes down to loss, and I have never been a good loser, however, not all things we let go of is lost or a loss...sometimes what we let go of helps us soar from no longer having the weight of it but we can't even fathom it at the time and letting go feels painful. Eventually, it becomes second nature and you realize everything lives and dies for you on this hill. This was a hill I was committed to die on if necessary, believing if I could comfort myself through the loss then I was home free... and I was fucking right! It's not a perfect system, it's not as if you won't feel the sadness of loss, it just means that you can weather the storm and know that when the sun rises you honoured your feelings and let them all go...

I've struggled the last several months, my inner circle cracked hard and I had to watch my mother and son walk away from my table. I will never let go of my son in my heart...but I still had to let him go and watch him walk away. I have faith that time and distance will paint a new picture for him and he will return to my table, but I don't know that for sure. My heart aches but this is his lesson and I have to let him go through it...so I let go and hope we can pick it up again...and I hope it's sooner rather than later...but even that, I've let go of...