The Writer V

Sometimes being passionate and emotional is about all I can take and other times I'm grateful for it because it allows me to just sit and type effortlessly.  My voice has become stronger and now I don't wake with anxieties that I won't be captivating, it doesn't really matter because I write for me...everyone else is welcome to follow along but it's not necessary.  Sometimes I finish before she even gets out of bed.  Writing fills a void in me like nothing else or no one else ever could.  I wonder if I was feeling the groundhog day cycle because my life actually was passing me by each day that I wasn't nurturing my desire to write.  Maybe I didn't need to open my marriage for excitement or purpose, perhaps just following through with your dreams is all it takes to fill the emptiness inside...I was what was missing from my life.  I imagine this is why addictions take such a strong hold, they allow us to forget or at least be okay with not living the way we want.  I am completely aware of my own escapes and distractions, even though I feel that I don't need others to feel whole, I really do enjoy all aspects of online dating to assist in my New York life...so...I finish my blog and rebuild my profile, not long until I'm back in the city.

The Writer IV

After this weeks session with Laura I felt strong again, sometimes reassurance that the storm has passed is the only thing I need to move forward.  I woke to a handful of emails from the magazine with travel plans, hotels, restaurants, events and a writing schedule.  It's almost surreal that I will be writing for a mag next week in New York City.  I've always dreamed of being a writer in NY and soon I will be.  I booked my hotel and extended my flights for a few extra days, I wanted to spend a couple of days alone...or with new friends.


I could hear her moving around upstairs so I grabbed a few of her favorite toys and set them up to watch us make pancakes.  She thinks I'm hilarious and I always try and give her as much freedom as possible to watch her grow.  She came into the kitchen in her princess pajamas, holding her blanket and a mess of curls. I handed her her apron and the wisk...I wish my son was here. 

The Writer III

I don't know how long I had been sitting in my car after the appointment, sometimes I lose time and everything comes rushing back into sight and brings me back to reality.  I read over the emails again and then deleted them.  There was no reason to respond, I said what I needed to and got what I wanted so there's no need to look back.  Laura said it's very normal for memories to be able to have the same strong emotional response and that over time I will become desensitized to it; perhaps living it, then writing about it will be enough to just forget about it.  It's not so bad I just want to make sure I address it sooner rather than later.  I took a deep breath and felt much better, like being restored to my natural balance.  I started my car and pulled out into rush hour traffic...looks like I'll have some extra time to myself.

The Writer II

I was sitting in her waiting room hating that I had to come back and knowing at the same time it would be helpful.  Since I started writing I have found myself in some of the same emotional struggles as when I was going through it all and I needed Laura to help me once again shine the light.   I started to feel the insecurities and fears like ghost emotions but with the real feel of them and I wanted to avoid the anxiety attacks and depressed state.  I attempted to pat myself on the back for seeing the signs and addressing them immediately but it's difficult to do when you are stuck in a cycle of self doubt.  I know this is not real and I am through the other side but I am never amazed by how my thoughts and feelings can pull me right back into the trauma.

I put my head down and tried to get lost in my game of Candy Crush but emails kept popping up and I knew the address...John.  A few days ago when I was either feeling sorry for myself or hating him I sent him the link to my blog.  I wanted him to know what our interactions looked like to me and I must have been fairly angry because I never even stopped to think about what that would mean for him and Mike.  Normally I would have deleted any correspondence from him, but not today.  Today I was sitting in Laura's office asking for help, so there may never be a better time to confront this.  I read three emails from him all pretty much saying the same thing.  Sometimes he shows signs of being a person without the switch and realizes that he cannot move in and out of lives without affect. His apologies were not disregarded in the least.  I believe he is sorry.  Maybe I shouldn't have given him the satisfaction of reading about my time with him and giving him a glimpse of himself through my eyes...but then again, maybe it wasn't for him.

I looked up and seen Laura coming down the hall...the clock starts now...

The Writer

Morning blogging was now a routine for me and I loved it.  My daughter would sit at the table with me and share her stories of what she was going to do for the day, the things she wanted to see and games she wanted to play.  I sit back completely captivated by her energy and happiness.  She is a power house of a personality and never fails to pull me into her imagination and world.  We lay out her play doh project and put on some music, she has her milk and I have my coffee.

I didn't always know what writing would mean to me, I always knew I was passionate and emotional with a desire to write but do I have to be 'good'?  When I decided to write about my journey I knew I could only do it if I started once I had come through the other side, otherwise it would be a mess of unfinished thoughts and unclear ideas.  Writing from memory has not been the challenge I had thought it would be and I guess you remember certain people and how they made you feel or impacted your life during that time.  If I miss something then I am inclined to believe that it didn't mean enough to remember.  I was not ready to relive the emotional roller coaster and find myself flooding my keyboard most mornings thinking back and feeling very much like I did when I was in my anxieties and fears.  My thoughts can trigger the darkness, but only as a memory and no longer a reality and that puts a smirk on face.

I looked over my screen and watched her unapologetically feed the dogs her snack mixed with play doh and I wonder how she will feel when she reads it...I hope she looks at me then, the same way she does now...

Baby Steps XXI

I was hardly refreshed after the flight, perhaps it was the lady next to me feeding her two year old soda to keep her entertained.  But, I was so excited to see my little lady I perked up quickly.  I have three and a half weeks until I'm in NY with the magazine and I'm looking forward to spending some time at home.  I texted the group to let them know I arrived safely.  I wondered if I would ever see them again knowing that it is highly unlikely.  Sometimes people enter your life for a short interaction and serve a purpose that you couldn't find anywhere else.  I realize now that Dan and I are not extreme in our lifestyles and like anything else it sits on a spectrum that holds no real purpose or significance.  I feel good and whole.  I threw my suitcase in the trunk and jumped in the back seat beside my daughter...she still plays shy sometimes and it makes me smile.

Baby Steps XX

I arrived home just in time to feed and walk the dogs, shower and pack my things.  I threw my things in the car and checked in for my flight to make sure everything was still on time.  The streets were starting to gather people and I was grateful for the little traffic that was accompanying me to the airport.  I wouldn't see Trevor this time, our flights would be passing in the air and he would arrive about a few hours after I parked.

I sat in the car, too tired to hurry.  What an amazing week, last time I was in Ottawa it was horrific.  I grabbed my luggage, straightened my scarf and made my way into the airport...six hours until I get home and I plan to sleep the entire way.