The Longest Summer XXXIV

I didn't bother trying to go back to sleep, I sat in the summer cold on the back step and looked over the city I grew up in. I don't miss it, I don't like it and even leaving my father here to be buried with his parents will never be enough to make me want to return when I no longer have to. I sound cold and bitter...but I'm not, I don't feel like I am anyway although to the outsider ear I imagine I sound quite evil.

I stood on the rocks that surrounded the house, not pebbles, an actual mountain that their house was built on. I could see his neighbourhood, I could see the one I grew up in. I called Joseph, I don't know why...maybe because he's still a stranger.

He picked up, but I could tell he was sleeping. He must think I'm insane or erratic...maybe I am. I started off with the lite stuff...dad is sick, blah blah blah. He listened, he took it all in...every last selfish word I used to describe how it made me feel. Then he told me about the time he flew home to Ireland, over twenty years ago, and cared for his dying father day in and day out for several months. That's it, he heard his father was sick so he sold his business, hopped on a plane and rushed to be the caregiver to his father. He was destroyed the day his father finally left the world...he was his hero, his best friend and the type of man Joseph strived to be. Maybe one day I will have a lovely story about my father and myself and this journey we are on together. It won't sound the same, I mean how could it? He loved his father and doted on him and would have given his last breath just to see him for that much longer...and I...well you know how I feel...

In Honor

I lost a friend today, well...he's been gone for a while now...out of my life. My friend was not just my friend, he was a friend to my family. His loss leaves us feeling void, the shock, the sadness and the irreversible feeling of complete loss.

We love him dearly. A good man, the exact family man one brags about. An aching heart feels like a sad token for the memories made, I want more...but it doesn't work like that.

Today we cry and hug and share stories...tomorrow we honour and take that with us...

xoxox

The Longest Summer XXXIII

I woke in the middle of the night, disoriented and thirsty...I must have cried out all of my hydration. I used my phone as a night light to find my things and change into my pyjamas so I could go out into the kitchen and hunt for a bottle of water.

I could hear everyone snoring in there respective rooms and settled for the warm bottle of water on the table then stepped out into the backyard. I fell asleep part way through my conversation with Joseph and only now said good night with an apology for disappearing. He knows why I'm here but doesn't know the severity...there's no point in telling him. I held a cigarette in my hand but the thought of lighting it made me want to throw up, I remember when taking a puff would feel like everything was settling in me, my emotions and frustrations would leave for a bit but now just the thought of smoking evokes my gag reflexes. I placed the cigarette back in the package and opened my water instead.

I sat on the step going through my thoughts and hoping answers will magically appear. What am I going to say to him today? How do I tell him he can't go home...but I have to leave soon? He barely knows what's real anymore, how much more does he have to suffer before he is allowed to either live in peace or rest in peace....

The Longest Summer XXXII

I waited until I could see Trevor coming down the hall until I went back into the room. This time I called him 'dad' immediately, I don't know if I did it so he wouldn't have to guess or so I didn't have to hear him guess. He didn't look directly at me, his eyes were looking over my right shoulder and whatever he was seeing captivated his attention. I walked over and placed my hand over his and smiled through my watery eyes. He finally looked into my eyes and I could see the light go off, he knows it's me. "When did you get here?" I cleared my through, "Just now". His chin was trembling and his face squished as he tried to fight back tears but after several strokes his emotions cannot hide and his poker face is gone. I talked about my children, his grandchildren, but he was preoccupied with something just over my shoulder. He started to cry then looked scared as he told me about the car crash behind me and the scary men who were crawling from the wreckage...I wondered if the hallucinations were here to stay. Am I allowed to tell him it isn't real? Are we allowed or correct him? My body started to tighten and I could feel my jaw clamp down...I'm not prepared for this.

I was emotionally bankrupt by the time I crawled into bed, I wanted to disappear out of my sadness but sitting in truth is about the only thing that relieves the pain. I mourned the loss of my father a while ago and now feel forced to watch his suffering while I hold his hand and try to promise there's more to life. I turned my phone over and summoned my new friend...Joseph is my favourite escape right now, and he has no idea about my nightmare...

The Longest Summer XXXI

I found his room quickly and rushed through the door; he looked confused when he saw me. I thought he was confused that I would come all that way but then he spoke to me, "my daughter is coming from out west, how will she know how to find me?" My heart sunk and then immediately jumped into my throat...he doesn't recognize me, he has no idea who I am. I was frozen standing in the middle of the room, Trevor was parking the car and I have no idea what to say to my father who now sees me as a stranger. I quickly retreated back into the hallway and slid down the wall just like the tears sliding down my face. I spotted a nurse a few doors down and waved to her since I couldn't do much of anything else. I peeled myself off the floor and and attempted to explain what had happened. She was aware and told me that he lost some memory and is having hallucinations due to the massive blood loss he experienced...they needed more than six litres of blood to top him off. But this wasn't just "some" memory loss...I'm his daughter and he cannot see that in me...

The Longest Summer XXX

I literally did this drive just two months ago and for some reason I already hate it. Any path that takes me home to Ontario I dread taking. It makes me physically sick and depressed...it's a small town I could leave at any time it's not a fucking prison and still I can't stomach it. It doesn't matter who I visit or where I stay, I always have one foot out the door and ready to run away because I have almost mastered the 'out of sight out of mind' practice when it comes to this place. Here's the thing though...if my mom lived in my hometown I know I would be there regularly to make sure she is okay and doesn't need anything. I want to do that for my dad but find I lack the motivation and that's something I should be able to fake easily.

I watched the sun fall behind the earth in the rearview mirror for the second night as we drove into Wisconsin. Last year I visited Lambeau Field with my other brother so I didn't mind that we cut it out of this trip, this was less of a family trip and more of an emergency "please say I'm a good daughter" trip. We'll drive for a few more hours and be at his door before dinner tomorrow evening.

The Longest Summer XXIX

I met my brother at my mother's place and loaded his things into the back of the car. We're going to head south and drive until boredom or exhaustion sinks in. I tossed Trevor the keys and climbed into the passenger seat, I only have a few hours until we hit the border and I lose my data and have to rely on wifi. I could see that Joseph had been leaving me messages but waited to answer him, and I would wait a little longer while my brother and I caught up. My two brother's are incredible men, both have supported me in every way at one time or another and have continually been there for me when I need to visit my father...they make the trip without having a reason of their own to go.

Trevor and I have travelled together for years and toured at least a dozen countries together, and over the years he and Dan have continued the tradition but now it's been tweaked since we had our beautiful daughter. Together they did the Trans-Siberian from Beijing to Moscow, toured Vietnam and Cambodia, went to Oktoberfest in Germany and drove around Iceland while I have been enjoying living a part time single life in NYC. I haven't found anyone yet that I would want to see more than once or twice and mostly just make friends and use my time there to live a different life...not better...just different.

I looked over to see Trevor looking out the window and singing along to the radio...I wonder what Joseph is doing....