A Love, A Loss, and Peace XXII

I wasn't in a hurry to get to Toronto, I just wanted to drive and lose myself for a day or two. I thought about heading to Montreal but decided to stay closer just in case I have to turn around and go back. I was never a fan of Toronto so I kept driving and settled on Niagara.

I booked a room with a view of the falls, maybe I could get some writing done while I'm there. I remember the first time we went to Niagara on a family trip, it didn't look anything like it does now. Now it looks like tourism threw up all over it and it's the same stuff you see in any major tourist place...so I prefer to stare at the falls than the tourist traps that are lit up and crawling with people.

I had a hot bath then sat by the window and stress cried for over an hour. Maybe I shouldn't have left him. I texted Erin to check in and let him know where I was, "hey, I got dad his medications, some food and tucked him into bed. I'll call you tomorrow". I exhaled and pulled the oversized comforter over myself and drifted off.

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XXI

I woke to my father drinking orange juice and watching tv. I sat up straight in the chair and wished him good morning...I really didn't know if he would make it through the night, My father's state is fragile but my father is stubborn so he is having a stand off with death. I smiled and opened a yogurt for him and stood up to stretch and find a nurse or doctor.

I opened the curtain into the emergency room; they didn't have bed space for him. I recognized his doctor standing at a computer so I went over to catch up and plan what would happen next.

"Hey, Natalie. I didn't want to wake you but was hoping I would see you before I left". I must have looked stressed or confused because he stopped everything and gave me his full attention.
"Dad won't do dialysis". I was tearing up but not sure why...this wasn't new information.
"He did produce some urine last night, did he tell you?"
"No, we didn't really talk this morning. I wanted to talk to you".
"Listen, I have four colleagues that help me try and understand the anomaly that is Mac. All five of us have no idea how he is still alive, we actually don't know how he has survived the past decade. We have never seen anything like this, and now he is back to urinating. I have never seen someone almost die almost weekly and be able to just...not".
My father's health is frustrating because it makes him suffer while his will makes him live with it...even the doctors are exhausted and confused.
"So what now?"
"Well, he is passing urine so if you agree then we can send him home. He's not going to get better, this is as good as it gets, so let's at least let him be comfortable".
We had been through this so many times with my father, leaning over the edge and then leaning back in and deciding to stay.
"I'll go tell him the good news. This time I really thought he was done".
"I understand, I have been proven wrong by that man more times than I can count".

After I freshened up I made my way back to my father to let him know he won again.
"So, you finally peed". I couldn't help but smile, he is one stubborn son of a bitch. He's ready to go but it has to be on his terms.
"I sure did. When can I go home?"
"The nurse is getting the papers ready and I'll sign them".
"You're going to let me go home?"
"Absolutely. There's no real point to you staying now". I couldn't help but think he was playing a game of mental chess with me and I was curious why.
"Did you hear from the other two?" He was talking about my sister's, my father has three daughter's and I am the youngest.
"Only Patty, I have no idea about Trina". Patty and I grew up together and never had a relationship with his oldest daughter...but that didn't stop her from treating Patty and I like trash on the rare occasion we ran into her regarding our father. Trina won't come because she wants to control my father and put him in a home...there are only two things my father wants, to stay home until he passes and to be buried with his father. I don't care for or respect her agenda so I took over and put my father back in charge of his own life. Fuck her!

I was standing outside of his room when I spotted Erin coming down the hall. I exhaled and ran to him with the good news...is it good news? I can't tell anymore.

"Did he make it?" He looked crushed.
"He peed". I smiled and we both rolled our eyes and revelled in the extraordinary medical miracle that is my father.
"So, what are they going to do with him?"
"I just signed papers to send him home".
"Makes sense, are you staying?"
"I rented a car, I'm going to head to Toronto for two days and be right back. I need a mental health break and a beer".
"Let's take him home and I'll bring you to get your car. I'll get him back to his routine and take him for dinner. Then we can get together when you get back and plan for next time". It seems like there will always be a next time.

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XX

We stayed with my father for a few hours, laughed about the old times and told the same stories I could now recite without ever having been there to see the actual events. Erin and my father went at it a bit about his stubbornness but in the end my father won...he is after all the one who is suffering every single day. I think Erin hoped that if he stayed close enough and did enough that my father would develop a will to live but I haven't recognized a desire for life in several years. He held my father's hand, kissed his forehead and left for the night, unsure what the morning would bring.

I hugged Erin good-bye, closed the curtain and pulled my chair back over to my father's side. I held his hand, never expecting a conversation but maybe it's part of the process.

"So this is it? This is where you leave me?" You beg the universe to make the suffering stop and when it delivers, you hate how it ends the suffering.
"I'm sorry toad". He hadn't called me toad since I was about six years old.
"Me too, I'm sorry I was angry for so long". I rested my head on his arm and let my tears run to his fingers.
"I love you Natalie and I'm sorry but I cannot fight anymore, I'm tired and lonely".
The tears were flushing all of the anger I held onto for the past nearly twenty four years. I was so angry with the way he left us that I never did the work to even try and understand why he wanted to leave or how it had nothing to do with me.
"Dad, I'm not mad anymore. I should have grown up a long time ago, I should have forgiven sooner and loved better".
He placed his hands on my face, him no longer crying and me barely able to see through my tears. He's comes to terms with it...he's waiting for me to catch up.
"I love you toad".
I sobbed into the sheet while he held my hands and stroked my hair.

A love, A Loss, and Peace XIX

I met Erin and his wife Joanne at a steakhouse across town. I ordered a beer and sparkling water while they split a bottle of Merlot. Erin had been taking care of my father for the past few years and I wanted to take him out as a thank you...and I guess now to tell him it's all but done. Erin loves my father, after his own father left his life he grew much closer to mine and I felt guilty for being relieved my father had someone.

Erin smirked when I told him then took a large gulp of wine, he's hurting. "He's so fucking stubborn Natalie", he swallowed the last of his glass. I don't remember the last time my family gathered out of happiness and not a coffin; there are no happy reunions left, just long drawn out good byes. I smiled to myself thinking about my father and how incredibly bull headed he had been...and how he instilled that into his youngest daughter...me.

After dinner I paid the bill and hugged Joanne good night.

Erin and I are headed back to the hospital, he was not about to go home and miss his chance to send him off. Erin's a good man and I almost feel worse for him than my father; when my father goes he will be relieved of all of his pain but Erin will miss the routine of loving and caring for a man he thought of as a father. Erin doesn't understand 'give-up', his mother would move mountains before she ever gave up and he is just like his mother...my father just might have a fight on his hands. Is there a more Irish way to go?

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XVIII

I was startled awake by the nurse administering more drugs to my father. He was never a good patient, he fought with the nurses because he didn't want the drugs but they have a job to do. I rolled my eyes then rubbed them, I was feeling annoyed with him. I get that he's ready to go and make peace with his life but I wasn't exactly caught up to him.

After she left I pulled my chair closer to my father and held his hand, he's so fragile and torn...he doesn't want to leave his kids but he wants to go home to his parents, he misses his father and is tired. I caught my breath and squeezed his index finger, like I used to when I was his little girl.
     "How are you feeling?"
     "Like shit, I haven't felt good since I don't remember when".
     "What about dialysis?"
     "I'm not doing it, no intervention at all". I didn't flinch, this is his life and I am playing his last cards the way he would have.
     "Okay, I'm going for dinner with Erin and I'll come back in a few hours. Can I bring you anything?"
     "Cigarette and Diet Pepsi".

I looked back and flashed him a sassy smile since he thought he was slick adding cigarettes.

I drove to the restaurant in silence wondering how I was going to say good bye to my father...one last time...

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XVII

I found my cousin in the emergency room and he took me to my father. He was hooked up to a couple machines and seemed to be in good spirits; he always appeared happiest when he felt he could see the end. He informed me that he pressed the button on his emergency bracelet when he couldn't catch his breath...two packs of cigarettes a day since he was about eleven year old, he was never going to catch his breath again. He was retaining water, I could see it in his feet and hands; the nurse notified me he gained almost twenty two pounds of fluids in a matter of days. Kidney failure, heart failure...nothing was working right but I still wasn't ready to hear he needed dialysis.

A common theme my father has echoed throughout the last couple of years is his disdain for dialysis and nursing homes. He knows he hasn't urinated in a while but he doesn't know I'm about to test his stance on intervention. I have to make sure I do what he wants so I can't sit on this for long; he has a DNR in place so he needs to know this is the last road home.

I slid the curtain aside and found my father napping in his small cubicle of a room. I pulled a chair up to his bed to stare at him; half wanting to remember him forever and half wanting to capture the strength and father I used to know. He opened his eyes when my phone vibrated on the floor. He looked annoyed and exhausted when he woke.
    "What did the doctor say?"
    "He said you have to pee or he's going to start dialysis".
    "I'm not doing dialysis".
    "Then you're going to die".
    "I know..." he closed his eyes and fell back asleep...

I sat back in the chair and closed my eyes...he knew all along...

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XVI

My father was calling me twice a day confirming that I would be in town to visit on the date I gave him nearly three months ago. I knew he was lonely but it was starting to feel desperate and out of character; he was always in a good mood waiting for me to arrive so I made sure that I wouldn't miss him.

I arrived in time to take him to dinner then grab him a few treats before I went back to my room for the night. I liked visiting my father but he's a chain smoker and hates to leave his place, I try and survive under the blanket of smoke. I turned up the heat, tucked him in and made sure nothing in the house was left burning or on then I locked the door and closed it behind me.

I woke a few hours later to a text message that my father was taken to the hospital by ambulance...my cousin who is a police officer heard the call over the radio and notified the rest of us...